I’m frequently asked by women, “Why do men want orgasm denial?” and, “I feel sorry for him when he says he wants to orgasm; what should I do?“, or words to that effect.
And I can’t stress this point enough: you are not your man. You will probably never begin to understand why he wants orgasm denial so much.
Conversely, if you’re a man reading this, then you need to understand your woman is probably never going to understand fully what you get out of it.
And this is all perfectly OK so long as you both know the man is getting pleasure from it, and the woman, even when she denies him in extreme is giving him what he wants (assuming you’ve established your ground rules and they’re not being broken).
Well… if you start to feel sorry for him or (as a man, you feel sorry for yourself) remember he’s asked for this.
I do know how this all feels because it’s the same for me. Over time, though I’ve grown to understand more what it all means to John. He wants to orgasm as a fleeting thing; but he craves denial long-term. It’s how it works with most men. And when they’re begging with their blue-balls, they really do mean it.
But if you don’t give in, he’ll thank you, I promise. Don’t feel sorry for him – he’s getting what he wants, and that’s more than most people in the world ever get.
I know from John that feeling of wanting to come all the time is amazing for them. Yes, when you’re making love at that point it can get a bit uncomfortable, but it soon passes. Rather than feeling sorry for him, try empathy: share his feeling without taking responsibility for it or for making it better.
Here’s one thing you can do: if he starts to beg and complain, put the keys down next to him and say something like, “well, if you want it that badly you can unlock yourself now and give yourself an orgasm. Is that what you want?“.
Put the decision back on him.
The important things here are:
- Don’t get angry or show you’re disappointed. Or if you’re a man, try not to get grouchy. She’s only doing what you asked her to do!
- Don’t you make him orgasm. If he wants to come before you’re ready to do it for him, he’s got to do it himself, without any help or encouragement from you. You might even want to leave the room while he does it (or does not do it, as the case may be). Don’t even get involved in locking him back up again. Just tell him to give you the keys when he’s finished.
My guess is if you do this a time or two, he’ll soon stop doing it. I strongly suspect he won’t even make himself come the first time. He wants you in control – the minute you basically stop playing the game if he won’t stick to the “rules” he’ll stop trying to break them.
The other thing, if you miss him squirting inside you, I fully understand that, too. It may be you’ll both have to agree a time span, something that’s long enough for him, and not too long for him.
It’s got to work for both of you, remember?